THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD (1965)

directed by George Stevens

Oh Holy Bore!

Being a bit of a bible buff, I was actually looking forward to this. I bought it in a 2-pack with Mel Gibson's THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (total price for both: $9). Like PASSION, it's a Jesus movie, in that it's a biopic of the birth, life, death, and (occasionally) the resurrection of Jesus (Yeshua, Joshua, Josh) of Nazareth. Such an amazing life he lived that the Greek variation of his name, the one most prominent in texts, got "retired", so to speak (Central/South American Jesus doesn't count because it's pronounced"hey-soos" instead of "jee-zus").

Unfortunately, while the overall story is probably the greatest version of the story ever told, the pious monotone of nearly everyone involved renders this an unmitigated snooze-fest. Jesus is played here by Max von Sydow, a young man with an old soul who made his mark doing Ingmar Bergman films. He always appears sad and desolate, which is understandable, given that Bergman typically engages in atheistic nihilism. In fact, this Jesus spouts the good news as though he just walked off the set of a Bergman film. Everything comes out hollow as the umpteenth mass performed on a rainy unimportant day by an alcoholic Catholic priest. He carries a quiet smile the entire time, but if what he's saying will subject him to a thinly veiled government assassination and eventual cult following to the point of greatest religion ever, God is truly working miracles indeed. He's about as charismatic as your typical near-retirement calculus professor. This is made all the more ridiculous by the presence of Charlton Heston as John the Baptist, Donald Pleasance as Satan, and Sidney Poitier as Simon. These are, by far, the three most compelling characters in this film, and when they appear, the movie suddenly comes alive. Unfortunately, their presence makes up roughly thirty minutes of screen-time. Simon doesn't even say anything, but Sidney's portrayal is spot-on in its intensity. (It also comes right around the time of the Civil Rights Act, so there's great potency in seeing a black man carrying the cross for Christ). At least it would, were it any other Christ but our cardboard cut-out Jesus.

All this boring Jesus business would be forgivable if the movie wasn't so damned long. Jesus is barely around for the first third of the movie, as its deemed extremely important that we know exactly who holds power in the region and where. There's apparently a tetrarchy of kings who are under control of a governor, who bows to.... really, who gives a shit? Jesus is here to open up the doorway of salvation to the world. He chooses to come at the perfect time: the Roman Empire owns 1/3 of everything inhabited, so anything that makes a ripple in Caesar's palace has accomplished 33% of the ultimate shout-out. He's also born to the last generation of old-school Israel (they would be dispersed by Nero before the turn of the century). So... you show us a little Rome and your mission's basically accomplished. Why get lost in drearily unimportant politics? What are you, THE PHANTOM MENACE?

Two hours into the film, we see a passage which includes the verse "Jesus wept." That's the entire verse. The connotation is that Jesus spent a considerable bit of time crying his eyes out. In this film, there's a half-minute shot of Jesus doing just this... except he doesn't. His eyes water, his jaw sets and we get: one single tear. I recalled that scene from TERMINATOR 2 where Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator spends the same amount of time straining to offer up a smile. Then the screen goes dark and we're treated to: "Intermission."

Why are these people trying to kill Jesus? He's obviously quite dead already.

6.66/10 (the mark of the devil is unintentional, I promise).